Ok, So...it's all Candace's fault. She introduced me to "The Bachelorette", and now I am beyond obsessed. I can't stop thinking about this show. Rachel. The men. The fuckery. The nice-ities. This show has it all, and I am here for it all.

First thing's first -

Rachel, can we be girlfriends? Like, for real. I need a Homie.Lady.Friend like you. Every man on this show has said that they have never met anyone quite like you before. Damn, me either. So, what's up? Can we be buds or nah?

While I wait for the answer to that question - I'd like to give my homie a bit of advice going forward. She nixed DeMario, which...

BUT she should have known he was a low down dirty dog just from his name. Yes, I am a name-ist, and I am proud of it. What DeMario have you known that you could trust? (I'll wait).

And before anyone tries to say my name-ism only applies to "DeMario"-like names, I'd like to add that "Brandon", "Mike", "Doug" and "Lawrence" are some shit names, too. You just KNOW they're gonna be about the bullshi-t. Woman's intuition, my nig.

A potential dung name is "Eric". You never know with them. You can meet a really great one, and then boom! You meet a crappy one.

Rachel's Eric isn't completely convincing me that he is shit. He seems to be ain't shit. And no matter how close he gets to Rachel's face...No matter how loud he yells when he sees her...No matter how he cocks his head in supposed disappointment when the other guys get to go on dates and he doesn't...I just don't buy it. Oh, and he's from Baltimore. No offense to guys from Baltimore, but take all the offense. Brandon + Baltimore = impending b-shit.

Bryan also seems to be on the dung ladder. He whisks Rachel away to a corner of the house and slobs her down. On the first night you meet her, dog? Come on. If that isn't a player move, I don't know what is. He is fine af. Breaks backs for a living. And his jzush is felt from there to here.

I've believed in fairy tales all my life, and I have yet to see Prince Charming jump out of the TV and marry a real live girl. Nuh-uh. There has to be some trickery up this guy's sleeves (wait on it...)

As for Peter, my favorite, they just need to elope and have cute, skinny gap-toothed babies together. I mean, just look at them. Awwww....

But will Rachel listen to me or herself? She does seem to be the wiser, so whoever she chooses, I'm sure she will make the right decision (except, don't pick Eric. or Bryan).