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  • Renese

Flying First Class

Ahhhhh...I can't go back to economy. coach. whatever that class is that ain't first. I'm a woman first and foremost, and the most poignant observation Chris Rock has ever made about women is that we cannot go back in lifestyle. Nope. Can't do it. Won't do it. Won't ever do it.

Ok, So...this is what happened.

I went to Bermuda via Priority and was impressed. I came back to LA with a combination of priority / business / first class and lost my mind.

Keep in mind that this was my first time flying in those ways. As with all first experiences, it is the greatest. The newness of it all creates an exhilaration you only experience every 10 years or so.

This has to tell you a thing or two about me.

NUMBER ONE: I am definitely from Chicago.

NUMBER TWO: I am definitely from the WEST SIDE of Chicago.

This is by no means a knock to being from the West Side of Chicago. It should just give you a better understanding into how excited I was. I'm from the place where girls proudly wear, as Lil' Rel puts it "liquid leggings"; girls who raise their arms right after putting on super visible white deodorant; and girls who eat hot Cheetos in the morning (a tradition I will never let go).

I traveled a lot as a kid. The number of road trips and plane tickets were countless. I've carried this tradition of being somewhere else at least 5 times a year, and I guess I've also carried over the tradition of getting economy tickets from childhood into adulthood as well.

But no more.

I'se flyin' non-econ only, kids!

Let me 'splain how good that non-econ life is:

1. They bring you water before taking off.

Haven't you only known "in-flight service" to begin at desired elevation + 10 minutes? Well, what they don't tell you (in econ) is that "in-flight service" begins for the firsties as soon as they step on the aircraft. I was reveling in being able to drink my water while taxi-ing to the point of takeoff. You couldn't tell me nothing.

2. You get two windows!

Not that nothing in the middle bullcrap where two windows are closer to the person in front of you and behind you. It grinds my gears feeling hella proud to get a cheap econ ticket AND a window seat only to be unpleasantly surprised that you only have access to the vertical halves of two windows. You either lean your chair back and strain your neck to get a glimpse of the outside or you accept your sad state of affairs having the extremely near-sighted view of the plane's interior.

3. The bathroom is right there.

Like, it's right there. There's no walking involved. It's like a half-step at most.

Because of all the water I took advantage of, I had to pee when the plane was descending, a time when no one was allowed to get up and do any anything. My abdomen or whatever that area is called, was expanding every 10 seconds, and it was putting pressure on my urine duct like hurricane waves to sand bags. I had to pee so fucking bad! I thought I was about to go down in history as the girl from the west side of chicago who couldn't hold her pee in first class. but i wasn't going to let that happen. I held it in like a G, but i have to admit, i started wondering whether i needed to invest in some emergency Poise. I don't know what kind of water they serve in non-econ, but it takes the express route.

Anywho - right after the plane arrived at the gate, the flight attendants let me use the magical half-step-away bathroom. It is slightly bigger, which was most helpful to me because I was able to do a modest pee dance before flowing. i was in there for a true, calculable one minute just flowing. I had to check to see whether it was indeed urine that was coming out of me. Good God!

I can't even imagine what would have happened to me if i were in econ with an ever-expanding abdomen. I wouldn't have been able to use the bathroom, and if so, i would have had to pummel a few people on the trek and trickled on a few getting there.

4. The seats are wide like LL Cool J's back

Ya'll know LL Cool J has the kind of back you can just lay dinner on. It's perfect for laying. And first class seats are like that. Wide. Comfortable. Firm. Everything about them is designed to make the human body comfortable.

Econ seats are designed for beings with no shoulder blades or backs in general. They expect you to fidget at least 20 times in your seat, so that you can annoy the person next to you.

I was able to not only sit comfortably, but I was able to sleep comfortably. That's never happened in my 32 years of human life. Not ever. I woke up after awhile and forgot I was on a plane. That's what first class does for your life.

5. Personal TV with remote

I couldn't stand myself. Not only did I have a personal TV, but I also had a remote. I was changing channels to a monitor two inches from my nose. Who was I? Oh, yea, a firstie.

I was able to watch Ride Along 2 for free! I had been meaning to not pay to watch that movie, and lo and behold, being a firstie allowed me to check that mini-goal off the list.

6. They give you real food and silverware

Close your eyes and Imagine: YOU in an LL cool J seat being served strawberry greek yogurt with granola and banana cake bread on a tray with real silverware and cotton napkin.

Open your eyes. Go live this life.

In conclusion, from now on, you ain't seeing Jen Ford in eccon ever again. I've tasted the good air life, and it tastes like chicken. But don't be surprised if you see a peanut butter colored girl with sunset hair sitting in econ answering to a different name (don't completely judge me. There's levels to this).

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