NEWSFLASH: I Slept WITHOUT a Silk Bonnet for Two Nights Straight!
I know a thing (literally, just a thing) about journalism because it was my initial major in college.
And I only remember this:
In order for a story to be newsworthy, it has to meet SEVEN criteria - Timeliness, Proximity, Impact or Consequence; Novelty or Rarity; Conflict; Human Interest; and Prominence.
When it meets these criteria, it is newsworthy and should, therefore, be on the news.
sleeping without a satin bonnet on my head kicks the shit out of these criteria. I need to be on the news with this story ASAP.
I mean, I discovered that my hair could look just as luxurious without wearing a bonnet at night as it does when I do wear one at night.
So, NPR, listen up. Here's my pitch to get you to pick up my story. It's broken down in terms of the 7 Criteria of Newsworthiness:
1. Timeliness: Is The Story Fresh like a Baked Good?
Me - Jennifer Ford without a satin bonnet on my head at night? Girl, that's fresh.
Fresh because it's new for me. Never, have I ever, deliberately allowed my crown to go uncovered at night. Ever. If a silk bonnet wasn't handy, I would look for whatever was available - a silk scarf, a bandana, a head wrap, or a t-shirt made of thin material. As long as my 'do was covered, I was at ease.
It is also timely because I, a Black Woman, discovered something during Black History Month.
NPR: Wouldn't you like to know about Black women discovering things literally in Black History Month? Forget George Washington Carver. Peanuts are the worst.
2. Proximity: Does This Story Have a Local Feel?
There's at least one Black woman in every state that can relate to my experience (even if there is literally one Black woman in every state that can relate to this), so there you go.
3. Impact or Consquence: Will This Story Change Lives?
Do you know how many women are scrambling RIGHT NOW to find something to put on their heads to preserve the $85 - $250 they just spent on a new 'do? The panic one faces when one has forgotten to bring one's silk bonnet is immeasurable.
I guarantee that the knowledge of my discovery will relieve nighttime stress; decrease non-bonnet wearing anxiety; increase nighttime sleep; and decrease nightmares in 100% of silk bonnet wearers.
All of us silk bonnet wearers have bought into the idea that we need it to keep our hair luxurious, but we don't!
4. Novelty or Rarity: Is This an Unusual Story?
Who is talking about this? No One. Why? Because the world has forgotten about the silk bonnet wearers of the world. We matter, too.
5. Conflict: Will There Be People Opposed to This News?
Yes. Sally Beauty being the main hater of all. She and her cronies will be hella upset that I discovered this. This might mean a serious 2% decline in their sales.
6. Human Interest: Besides Bonnet Wearers, Who Else Cares?
My Mon Amour. And the boyfriends of all silk bonnet wearers.
He's the one that initially "encouraged" me to not wear it. And because it was Valentine's Day Weekend, I honored his request. I'm a good girlfriend.
But Lo and behold! When I woke up, my hair, specifically my edges, were just as I had seen them 8 hours before. Who would have thunk it?
Kandi's Todd Tucker expressed his issue with Kandi wearing her bonnet at night. He purported that their sex life dwindled a bit because of her silk bonnet. When I heard this, I was like:
But Now....after discovering that I have been semi-bamboozled, I thank my Mon Amour.
Mon Amour: You are the bomb.com. Because of your desire to see my hair while you were sleeping, I now know that my hair will be A-OK without a silk bonnet. But don't get too excited. I'm still not putting my head underwater at the beach.
7. Lastly, Prominence: Is There Anybody Famous That Can Relate?
NPR: Let's interview this young man on the segment. I am sure he would be interested to know that his hair would look the exact same way without the bandana.
Now, do you see how newsworthy this is? If you don't, then you all must be avid silk bonnet wearers. Tsk, tsk.