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  • Writer's pictureRenese

My Friend Went On a First Date, and In Retrospect, It Was God-Awful

Ok, girlfriend went on a God-awful first date last week, and I can't allow another full 24 hours to go by without writing what happened. This might be my best work yet. And she gave me 100% permission to re-tell it on this platform. She and I are practically the same person. Thank you Dahling! Ok,'s us talking about it...

Her: Girl, let me tell you what happened with "Bob" yesterday.



Her: Ok, So...we chilled at his house. He invited me to go to this thing that night, but his sinuses started acting up, so he asked me to come over because he wasn't feeling well. So, I did. He wanted to do a "Redbox" night. And he gave me a full-blown explanation as to how it was different from "Netflixin and Chillin."

Me: hmm, hummph...

Her: Yes, Girl, I was thinking the same thing but whatever. Anyway, I get to his building. I let him know I'm there, and he tells me that he's at the grocery store and picking up the movies. He told me to feel free to chill in his apartment until he gets back. The door was open. So, I did.

Her: The place was nice. You know I love hardwood floors. He walks through the door, and girl, he is so damn fine. Just tall, brown and fine. I remembered him being fine, but goddamn. Just ridiculous. He gave me a hug in those arms of his and i had to stand on my tippy-toes a bit to reach him. I smiled in all places.

Me: Ha!

Her: But a few things happened that didn't make me smile.

Me: Uh-oh.

Her: Ok, So...We're trying to figure out what we want to eat. He mentions that he's not really hungry. So, I'm like OK. He says that he would look on EAT to see what we could order, but he's like, "I don't have internet yet." That translated to "I'm broke," and whenever that message is translated, the first body part to receive it is the hoo-ha.

Me: LOL.

Her: So, I'm looking on EAT, but I see nothing. He suggested Buffalo Wild Wings and said that they had a $0.60 wing special or something. I was like, "cool." So, I call. I order two things of wings and then he chimes in and says, "let's get a third order in." I was thinking, "oh....k."

Me: Did he all of a sudden get hungry or what?

Her: Idk. I guess wings be makin' people change their hunger status or something.

Me: True.

Her: As we're picking up our wings, and the girl says, "$16.48," I wait a full 3 seconds, waiting of course to see whether he's gonna step in. He didn't, so I pull out my card, and then he says, "I only have a $20."


Me: He only has $20??!

Her: Uh...yeah. I was thinkin' "Ninja, pay for that ish!" But I said, "Nah. It's cool. I got it." Did he think we were going to split the bill? Like, who says, "I only have a 20 for a $16 bill?" Was he expecting me to break it for him?

Me: Girl...

Her: So, you know what my hoo-ha was saying to me now?


Her: Exactly! Hahahaha!

Me: Girl, you better than me because I would have been like, "YEAH, $20 will do."

Her: LOL. Girl...So, listen. We get back to his house, and he is tearing that chicken up. I couldn't be that mad at him. Girl, chicken is the So, we are watching the movie. BTW, the new Terminator movie is some garabage. anyTways, I decide to play in his hair a little bit. head massage or whatever you call it. i'm nice at those.

Me: Ha!

Her: He was feeling that massage, too, because he decided that he wanted to take it a step further and reach his hand down my shirt.


Her: I already know what you're going to say.


Her: I mean, did he for real, for serious, think he was gonna get some chest action off of what?? Like, nah, bruh.


Her: I removed his hand from my friends, and he went back in there! I turned around and I was like, "I'm not comfortable with that." He goes, "It's not a big deal." Me and my vagina said, "If I'm not comfortable, then this should not be a discussion." He kinda had a little grown man tantrum. I was really confused that this fine man was upset about not rounding first base on a first date!?! You allowed me to pay for some discount wings and you think you about to do something?

Me: I wrote a lot and then deleted it. and then wrote a lot again and deleted it. The gist of what I want to say is: That's a crazy ass ninja.

Her: Girl...So, I ask him if he wants to watch the other movie. He goes, "nah. I need to get some sleep." LOL

Me: LOL. Word? He's sad.

Her: I didn't know my boobs were that important to him.

Me: Bwahahaha.

Her: The last and final drying of the magnificent came when we were in the elevator. i'm looking at this fine specimen, still intrigued and attracted to him, of course. And then my poor eyes saw this in his sandals:

I was like:

Girl, his whole left foot was black like this. and only half of his right foot. I had to close my eyes all the way and then open them again because I couldn't believe what I was seeing. Why were his nails that black?

Me: I ain't no podiatrist. Let's google it. Is he a runner?

Her: HUH?

Me: It can be a bruise caused by trauma. But i would have to get that taken care of even if i had to take out a medical loan.

Her: LOL! Girl! I mean, he didn't even have the courtesy to hide those dogs from me? He wore those sandals proudly in the elevator, and you know elevator lighting exposes everything...

Me: So, what are you gonna do now? Second date?

Her: We need to go on a first date FIRST 'cus that wasn't it. I mean, he's actually a decent guy. hopefully, I can just trick him into being my best guy friend. It would be nice to just have someone gorgeous to look at, do fun stuff with and get a guy's perspective on other guys.

Me: Good luck with that! and for real, let me know if he's a runner.

Her: You stupid.

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