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Dear Hollywood: Stop Insisting These Men Are Fine


Dear Hollywood,

Ok, So...I think I'm at my boiling point with you pulling Jedi Mind Tricks on us, the public, about who is and who ain't fine.

Now, the guys I am about to mention are cute in their own ways, but I feel like ya'll are pushing an AGENDA for us to believe they are today's hearthrobs. Someone in your organization is trying to bamboozle us into thinking that these actors are today's Denzel Washington, Leo Dicaprio, and Tom Cruise. But no-uh, Boo Boo. I grew up with some fine tail leading actors, so, Hollywood, I see through your schemes, and I ain't having it.

Now, I don't think an actor is fine just based on looks. Noooooo...the beauty of being a person is that your fine-o-meter can change. Remember 1980s Robert Downey, Jr.? He was nowhere near leading man status, and now he's Iron Man.

So, these men are not hopeless. They, too, can be a "Downey, Jr.", but they're not there (yet). I'm sure you might disagree with me (and that's your right), but you need an argument, mmmkay?

Here are my arguments and the top 5 Leading Actors You Are Trying to Get Me to Swoon Over, but It's Biologically and Cosmically Impossible:

NUMERO UNO: CHRIS PINE aka "You know that actor that plays in those movies...uhm, uhm...what the flick is his name???!"

That's exactly what I was thinking when I was trying to write this blog. I ended up googling Chris Evans, thinking it was Chris Pine, and discovered that Chris Evans is super cute. Take note of that.

When you can't remember an actor's name, but he is supposed to be fine, that ain't a good sign. This man has starred in many movies, and I can't think of one off the top of my head! Isn't that weird? Chris Pine, I am sure you're lovely, but uh-uh.

NUMERO DOS: RYAN REYNOLDS I remembered his name, but I think this guy's "hotness" is the most confusing. He starred in "The Proposal" with Sandra Bullock, and for the life of me, I couldn't understand why he was casted. I was thinking, "Aren't I supposed to be smirking every time I see him on screen?" I was waiting for the real lead actor to show up next to Sandra. That didn't happen.

Ryan Reynolds, I am sure you are lovely, but no-no.

NUMERO TRES: MICHAEL EALY I may get A LOT of heat on this one, but he is getting major light skin / light eye points. Put him in Photoshop; make those eyes chestnut brown; and you've got this guy:

Tristan Wilds. Who we love. But is not a leading man. And is definitely on the aiiiight scale. I will inform the public to Photoshop test these light skin / light eyed men out here...Ya'll are craf-teeeeee.

NUMERO CUATRO: BRUCE WILLIS. This is for my friend Morgan. Please tell her that you didn't put this old man in movies to be a hearthrob, not now or ever. She is deeply confused.

NUMERO CINCO: SHEMAR MOORE. To whom I would like to channel my inner Tamar and say:

Shemar's fine-o-meter has been "never again" for some years now. I can't say exactly what triggered it, but I remember one day looking at him with strong feminine and masculine energy going:

You're using Criminal Minds to make him a hearthrob (again), but I'm just not buying it. Do you have any insight on why I feel this way? If you were to build-an-adult-male-actor, he would have all of the right physical features, but there's something I just can't put my finger on about him.

Hollywood, thanks for reading this. I hope you take my opinions seriously. I am a part of a demographic with the most spending power. I can't have you continue to bamboozle my loins like this. We will not stand for it.

​Best,

Ford

P.S. I'll send you another list of folks I think you're sleeping on. XOXO


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