TRAFF...**CK AND THE PEOPLE RESPONSIBLE
Ya know, traffic really is bad in LA. For real. Trust me - No one who has ever lived here exaggerates about that. The glitz, the glamour, yes, exaggeration galore! But not the traffic. The traffic itself is REAL:
Ok...so...16.2 miles. That's how far my home and work are from each other. Now, YOU tell me why it should take over an hour to travel 16.2 miles? WHY, LA, WHY???!!
Granted, this is old news. Because of the facelift that the City gave its wretched I-405, it now takes me anywhere from 35-60 minutes to get home, and honestly, this is worse.
I would take a consistently awful 1-hour drive to and from work rather than an inconsistent one. I don't want my commute to be like a box of chocolates! I don't even like chocolate like that.
Now, Waze can be both my traffic savior and enemy. I can get home in 35 minutes (my fastest time ever) by using this app. However, please note that if you use Waze, you must be previously certified in "ninja driving." This app will take you where no man has ever gone before i.e. through someone's driveway in order to bypass congestion on a major street or a cliff, if you live in the Valley like me, where you can see the traffic below you, and it's all good until you realize how much your neck hurts from jerking the car back and forth because of the twists and turns.
I wouldn't be surprised if Waze takes me through the LA River as an alternate route for the I-10.
All in all, I love Waze. It's an exciting ride EVERY TIME!
Now, when I'm driving home, I've realized that there are 5 types of idiots that are not just in traffic, but are causing traffic. And for some reason, they always appear on my way home, never on my way to work. What is that??!
The Bold As Hell Traffic Pedestrian
I've noticed that these are usually women coming out of yoga classes around rush-hour. I have nothing against women or yoga or class. But when I am clear to make a LEFT TURN on a major street with no cars coming in either direction, and you choose to MOSEY across the street, you can say I might channel my inner Hulk at the moment. I mean...not even a fast-walk or shimmy? A plain ol' stroll during rush hour...Does yoga chill you out to the point that you have a "f*** it" attitude or what, Lady?
The Slow SUV
...but you only know it's slow because when you finally get a chance to change lanes, you realize this person has about 1,000 feet of space in front of him. What are you doing with your life, Broseph? Better yet, what are you doing with mine??
The Hard Braker
I just don't understand people who brake hard in traffic. Haven't people mastered the soft brake or the roll yet? Stop it!
The Person Who Stays in Your Blind Spot
You speed up. He speeds up. You slow down. He slows down. The ultimate goal is for you to make that right lane change to get off at your precious home exit, but this joy stealer, in some psychic way, is mirroring your driving skills, so that you don't...and you end up having to take the next exit by accelerating hella fast like a maniac.
And last but not least...
The Guy That Wants To Holler in Traffic on The Freeway
These guys might be the SOLE reason for traffic in this City. What even makes you think a woman will give you the time of day when you're both literally going nowhere? Oh! Maybe because you're both going nowhere?
It's always awkward! I see you out the corner of my eye looking; and then staring; and then a "hey gorgeous!" exits your lips, to which I turn up my Kendrick Lamar and hope to God that there really is 1,000 feet in front of this big SUV for me to fly past this freeway mack daddy.